of strength, advantage, to be departing and leaving the other behind.
Moreover she was taking the man with her, if only in hate.
Birkin stood aside, fixed and unreal. But now, when it was his turn to
bid good-bye, he began to speak again.
'There's the whole difference in the world,' he said, 'between the
actual sensual being, and the vicious mental-deliberate profligacy our
lot goes in for. In our night-time, there's always the electricity
switched on, we watch ourselves, we get it all in the head, really.
You've got to lapse out before you can know what sensual reality is,
lapse into unknowingness, and give up your volition. You've got to do
it. You've got to learn not-to-be, before you can come into being.
'But we have got such a conceit of ourselves--that's where it is. We
are so conceited, and so unproud. We've got no pride, we're all
conceit, so conceited in our own papier-mache realised selves. We'd
rather die than give up our little self-righteous self-opinionated
self-will.'
There was silence in the room. Both women were hostile and resentful.
He sounded as if he were addressing a meeting. Hermione merely paid no
attention, stood with her shoulders tight in a shrug of dislike.
Ursula was watching him as if furtively, not really aware of what she
was seeing. There was a great physical attractiveness in him--a curious
hidden richness, that came through his thinness and his pallor like
another voice, conveying another knowledge of him. It was in the curves
of his brows and his chin, rich, fine, exquisite curves, the powerful
beauty of life itself. She could not say what it was. But there was a
sense of richness and of liberty.
'But we are sensual enough, without making ourselves so, aren't we?'
she asked, turning to him with a certain golden laughter flickering
under her greenish eyes, like a challenge. And immediately the queer,
careless, terribly attractive smile came over his eyes and brows,
though his mouth did not relax.
'No,' he said, 'we aren't. We're too full of ourselves.'
'Surely it isn't a matter of conceit,' she cried.
'That and nothing else.'
She was frankly puzzled.
'Don't you think that people are most conceited of all about their
sensual powers?' she asked.
'That's why they aren't sensual--only sensuous--which is another
matter. They're ALWAYS aware of themselves--and they're so conceited,
that rather than release themselves, and live in another world, from
another centre, they'd--'
'You want your tea, don't you,' said Hermione, turning to Ursula with a
gracious kindliness. 'You've worked all day--'
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